I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
