she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
