Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
