Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
