I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
