Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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