Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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