conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
