I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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