I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Can't talk, ducks in the car
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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