Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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