does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
