Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Even my vagina gasped.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
