She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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