my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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