watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
