Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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