he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
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I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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