So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
