I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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