I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
