I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
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You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it