and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
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Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower