So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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