gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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