Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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