I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
