Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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