The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
