Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
