i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
