We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
as a side note pls kill me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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