If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
