Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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