I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
