I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
