I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
