If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
