The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
