i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
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Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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