yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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