I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
