Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're a waste of cheezeits
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
