May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
