I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
