I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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