NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
