I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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