I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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