Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
