We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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