He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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