I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
