i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
