i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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