i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
